Monday, September 3, 2012

I HATE Being the New Girl

I'm sad, and pissed, and just thoroughly bummed out. Story of my fuggin' life it seems.

Finally did a work out today, after days of being sick and my thumb being jacked up. I was really excited. To be healthy, to be in the gym again.

Yeah, that didn't last long.

So, after helping assistant coach the workout incorrectly, we then did the workout, incorrectly. Then the boss showed up and said, kindly, we were doing it all wrong, leaving me feeling like a total ass hat (that's what I get for thinking I know anything), and for the first time in a long time, this girl didn't Rx her workout. But mostly, I feel bad for the members in there that had to do the work incorrectly, thanks to me.

We were supposed to be doing push jerks, I coached the split jerk. I saw everyone resorting to a push press, so I thought if we forced them to split, they'd have a little better time understanding the concept of the jerk. Well, that was dumb. Then, there was something about unbroken written on the board, and it went right over my head. We were supposed to do the sets unbroken. Only if you did them unbroken was it Rx'ed. This is why I didn't Rx it. My weight was right, my method wrong.

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
push jerk 135/95
kettlebell swings (2 pood/1.5 pood)

My time was 11:35 but who cares, I fugged it all up.
I'm just back in the place I was a few days ago, where I just want to go home. But that doesn't exist for me anymore, this is my new home. This is the sacrifice we as Army wives have to make. We have to leave everything behind, no matter how good it is. We have to start over, no matter how much it sucks. 

I was so settled at Fort Hood. I was respected. I was acknowledged. I KNEW MY PLACE. I had a pack of friends I would have given my life for (still would), and mentors that I could go to with anything and seek guidance and support. 

Now I am nothing. Have nothing. It's so hard for me to open up and trust, and here I am, back at the bottom, having to work and prove myself all over again, having to figure out where I fit in, where my place is, what the hell I am doing. 

I'm tired. Because this is just going to happen again in another two years, when we PCS again. To another new place, with more new people ... Let's not even begin with how difficult this makes having a career! I wanted to go into Personal Training, yeah right. Do you know how hard it is to develop cliental when you're always on the move? I'll never be able to establish myself ... 

Now I know why Army wives are generally fat, bored and have 19,000 kids. 

In an effort to drown my sorrows, I just ate a Montana sized peanut butter and jelly sandwich. What is it about fat kid food that always makes me feel better? Hey, at least I didn't attack the peanut butter jar with a ladle this time.

I was going to partake in this weeks Tuesday Trainer, but due to events of this morning, don't have the confidence to work anyone through any kind of progression. Who am I to be teaching anything to anyone? Maybe next week I'll have the audacity to teach walking. Without falling. Seems like I could benefit from some of that.

29 comments:

  1. Everyone has a bad day. No worries! You will shine next time, I'm sure of it!

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  2. You're still an inspiration to me and all of your other readers!

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  3. Yip, I agree, you WILL shine next time. Your awesome, and don't forget it.

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  4. I hope you are feeling better!! I bet next time you will nail it! Don't beat yourself up over it. And I'm positive by the time you leave you will gained MORE friends. And maybe you can help train those fat army wives all over!!

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  5. You are doing great. You are such an inspiration!!! It's just a bad day, it will get better!!

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  6. Don't get down! You are an inspiration to me and the rest of your readers! I know how easy it is to beat yourself up over a tough day just dust ya shoulders off and get back to it :) I'm lookin forward to the whole life challenge

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  7. Bad days are made much worse when there's not a support system there...but as such a bouncy and bubbly person you're bound to build that system soon. and every time you do something incorrectly you learn how NOT to do it meaning the next time you will do it so right! there is always a tomorrow and it is always bright. big internet hugs. also pb&j rocks. never be guilty about it.

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  8. Coaching is ROUGH. Talking about and demoing a workout quick and efficiently takes practice. It is easy for you to see a workout and know what to do but to stand in front of your peers (that you dont' know very well) Can be a little intimidating and you want to give them the workout quickly so they can get to work. You will get it. YES. It takes time. You will find your place soon. Open up about it, joke with them. I'm sure they will understand and all will be good. Your awesome and inspiring! Its one day. Put it behind you and move on. you rock!

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  9. Don't be so down on yourself!! You are amazing and incredibly driven; take today to rest and punch tomorrow in the face! It will take time to find your place in a new area, but you will do it! I was so excited when I found your blog; you are so inspiring!! Don't give up on your dreams and the things you love to do!!

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  10. Stop being so hard on yourself! I think your perception of what happened is worse than what the others thought of it. No big deal. Take a deep breath and move on now! And don't hide from it all. Be strong and jump back in.

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  11. I came across your blog a few weeks and you are an absolute inspiration. I am an Air Force wife of an active duty service member and being a military wife is hard as hell. I have been there at a new duty station and being forced to reestablish yourself. I know the feeling of being homesick or homesick for your last duty station. What you are feeling is real and you are not alone. You will get through this stronger than before. Take care.

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  12. I'm so sorry. I, too, am a military wife but am also prior military. It really is difficult. But you are still amazing! Everyone has an off day. It will get better. It always does! Have a few brews and get a pedicure, maybe?

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  13. Hey, girl. Chin up. I know where you're coming from and want you to remember: The pendulum ALWAYS swings the other way. It's the natural ebb and flow of Life. Oly lifts and any small part of an oly lift is very technical. Take your time learning, absorbing, and coaching the lifts. We all make mistakes. "Fall down 7 times, get up 8." In the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal. NO BODY GOT HURT under your coaching... so who cares if it wasn't Rx'd. Split jerk, push jerk, push press - as long as they left the box in better shape then when they came in you'll be fine.

    I know what it's like to be married to the Military. It's no walk in the park. What you're feeling about being settled, in a routine, and working on your career is understandable and I think any independent military wife feels the same way.

    What you are going through was EXACTLY what I was experiencing 3 months ago and I can assure you, the pendulum WILL swing the other way. Hang in there.

    P.S. - When I interview my potential new employees, I always ask them about a time they made a mistake. Nobody really cares about the mistake, everyone cares about whether the person was ACCOUNTABLE to their mistake, willing to admit it, and learned from it. You win.

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  14. It's the bad days that make us better & stronger. You are AWESOME & an inspiration!

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  15. Rant it out girlfriend!! I would be so annoyed too -- but you've got something AWESOME going with this blog. I've been following for awhile now, and as another NW girl transplanted far away (florida!!) I love reading your blog to know that someone else is not only making it, but succeeding in this crazy world away from home! I have already adopted one of your work outs as a benchmark, mainly because I tried to beat you (I was egged on my a friend) and my clock zeroed out -- so watch out 'cause I'm coming after you!! Haha it'll be awhile before I ever beat any of the times you post! It sounds like the personal relationships you would foster through in person personal training are what you are after - but is there a way to diversify, to take the training viral? Either way I LOVE reading your blog (so much so that you are in my bookmarks at the top of the screen - holler!) and can't wait to see what happens next for you 'cause its clearly going to be big time amazing!

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  16. Hang in there girl we all have bad days! Started reading your blog a month or so ago and while I don't do crossfit (but love lifting), you are a total inspiration!

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  17. It's humbling but know GRACE is there! You're growing- physically and mentally. Through being sick and learning- sometimes the humbling way! Stay strong - you're an encouragement to so many! Thanks for your honesty ;)- Layne

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  18. Have you ever read Way of the Peaceful Warrior? Highly recommend. You vented, now move on. I love by the way that you labeled this "I'm a giant baby". Its always good to have perspective, which you seem to do.

    I too was always the new girl. We moved a lot for my husband's job. Even after we moved, he was always being sent away. After the birth of my son, he was gone for 18 months. I had no friends, no family, no one and a big yard to take care of. I wallowed for a bit. And I just assumed we would be moving again, so I never made the house a home. For 5 years, I didn't paint anything, didn't hand a picture or curtains. Nothing. But we stayed. And I made friends who when I got sick, took care of us AND took care of my parents when they moved here to take care of me.

    Now, I can look back and appreciate all the places we lived before settling here. And even though I didn't keep in touch with people, they still were important parts of my life.

    The career piece is hard. I gave up mine so that my husband could advance his. But, in a surprise twist, I wound up loving having the chance to stay home with my kids. I never thought I would be a woman to want to do that, let alone like it. Now, as of last week, I am back to work in my chosen field. You will find a way to make it work. Perhaps the experience you are having now by creating a virtual team for the challenge, will inspire you to personal train online. Or create a series of dvd's. You will make it work.

    http://preppymeetsredneck.blogspot.com/

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  19. I spent 7 years teaching high school boys how to pass a football and do a lay up having not clue how to really move the right way (PE) I was constantly embarrassed. Your knowledge is there lady, your going to make mistakes sometimes...especially if you didn't brain-child the wod.
    As for the going home...I get that too. I feel your frustrations. I wish I had words of wisdom or a glimmer of advice. The only thing that has worked for me, being far from home, is to look for and find the opportunities you have before you.

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  20. You are a someone who i admire and i hope you are feeling better!

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  21. As the sister to an army guy and the sister in law to an army wife - I know where you are coming from. I am also planning a move to somewhere very far away where I have pretty much no friends and the anxieties of it are scary.. I will be almost completely alone. Scary.

    Bad days do happen though and so do mistakes. You are very hard on yourself. For now - eat that sandwich and ENJOY it - tomorrow is a new day to get things right.

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  22. Hang in there. I go all crazy every pcs move. It all just takes time. You'll find your place and you'll even find great friends. Give it time....don't be so hard on yourself! ((hugs))

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  23. Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone's allowed a crap day. In fact, you NEED the crap days to appreciate the good ones. Yes, blah-dee-blah, cliche, yade, yade, yah... But it's true. You'll be back to your sparkling, exciting, bubbly self in no time. Chin up! xo

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  24. oh babygirl!! I don't know you and this just broke my heart for you! That being said: one thing) look at all the followers you have, you're doin SOMETHIN' right!!! ;)
    b) you're still not at 100% lil miss snot buckets ;) give yourself a break (easier said than done) but in perspective, you KNOW this will make you stronger and build your character, even more!
    Chin up honey :)

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  25. What a crappy day! I am sorry to read that you are feeling this way, I HATE that feeling too. Keep your head up girl and realize how great you look and how much you really do kick ass!

    P.S. I just completed my registration for the WLC this morning. You are inspiring and I would not have registered if it weren't for you!

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  26. Courtney, you are such an inspiration to me! Cut yourself some slack. You've been sick but you still went out there and did it. Everyone has an off day once in a while. Shake it off, get your swagger back and OWN your next one.

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  27. I don't comment much but your blog is one I check every morning in my coffee/blog routine :) You are a huge inspiration to me!!! We all have our moments. You got this girl. I DO know how you feel about being lonely/having no friends. I'm a new milspouse and just moved to be with my Hubby and wow... what a shock. I can't find a freaking job and how am I going to find one again in another two years when we pcs?! Ugh. We can do this and get through it girl. Stay tough. You rock.

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  28. OH MY GOODNESS YOU ARE LITERALLY IN THE SAME POSITION AS I AM IN MY LIFE TOO!!!! Holy hell I couldn't agree more with you! I PCSd from Texas to Hawaii with my husband 3 months ago and all I've done is mope around hating life!!! Back home I was a very well respected Certified Crossfit coach had an AMAZING CrossFit family. NOW, I'm here in Hawaii where not one crossfit gym will even give me the time of day to even intern! I've done crossfit for over 2 years now very competitively yet I feel as though I have to prove myself all over again and now I'm so discouraged I don't even give a crap anymore about coaching! It's awful being new somewhere having absolutely NO credibility no matter how great you were back home. It is bullcrap. I'm glad I read this post it made me feel less crazy. Hang in there. Oh and where did you PCS to? -Kaitlyn Dupre

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  29. Don't beat yourself up! I used to be so scared to workout in the gym, do my own thing. Then I started reading your blog and it gave me inspiration to not worry about my insecurities and give it my all. I do understand what it is to be the new girl, I was a military brat all my life (father was in the service) I never went out for sports because I didn't want to be the new girl and get trash talked. I just got married and my husband got a job in Australia.... Flippin Australia. So we moved over here from Texas and i'm back to square one all over again. You aren't alone is basically what i'm saying. Get your confidence back, because you're awesome! :)

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