Friday, February 25, 2011

Warning: Honesty

Change. It's the hardest part of being a military wife. Nothing stays the same. People come. People go. You don't have the opportunity to get close to people before they're out of your life as quickly as they came into it. I am a routine kind of person. I find a lot of comfort in routine, I think we all do. Chaos can be exciting, and fun, but after a while, I need a moment to catch my breath and look within. When my routine is disrupted, and I am trying to find a new routine, I feel lost. 

For example: In October, my husband and I used to fall asleep together, because we had to wake up together, and get ready for PT in the morning, something we did with a few other soldiers from his unit on post. It was exciting, because I was learning something new, Crossfit. It was even more memorable because of the connection and the closeness it brought to my husband and I, working as partners, motivating, encouraging, sometimes bickering, to each other. I loved those mornings. We'd come back after PT, I'd make him breakfast, we'd enjoy a little TV, walk the dog, shower together, it was really nice. We'd go back on post together, I'd drop him off for work, head to the library to work on schoolwork, or run a few errands. We'd meet for lunch, grab a bite. I'd head home or back to the library or to work, and we'd rendezvous back home, cook dinner together, work on some homework together, and relax. I really enjoy the company of my husband. And I really miss it. 

When the Army comes and eff's up my routine and takes me away from what I love, I'm lost. The Crossfit group is now doing regular PT with their unit again. I don't like being in the gym alone during PT hours with all of those prodding, staring soldier eyes. I'm lost without the guidance of my husband, as so many Crossfit movements are alien to me still. And it's not the same, doing it on my own, and not having that connection with him anymore, complaining about our sore muscles together, about our hand rips, etc.

We don't have a reason to hit the hay at the same time anymore. I don't have a reason to go on post with him during PT hours. I don't have to eat lunch with him. He has plenty of soldiers and friends he can eat with and I'm sure doesn't need his wife tagging along with him to work in the mornings to drop him off. I loved shared a vehicle when we were first married. Our lives were so cohesive and intertwined. As the ebb and pull of life continues though, we move together and closer sometimes, and farther apart and more distance others. When our lives aren't moving in the same direction, it makes sharing a vehicle a royal pain in the ass.

Sharing one vehicle is do-able, though difficult for people trying to live two lives. If I don't have a specific reason to need the car, like a doctor's appointment or a test to take a CTC, I feel guilty dropping him off in the morning and leaving him without his own car, so that I can do things like run errands, shop, get my nails done, study at Barnes and Noble, take a Crossfit class, etc. I'm tired of having to need a reason to want a means of transportation so I can be a little independent. What if a friend called and wanted to grab lunch? What if my boss called me and wanted me to come into work? What if I wanted to take Elliot to the park because the sun comes out? What if I just wanted to go explore Texas? Having to ask my husband to just LIVE my life breaks my heart and hurts my independent nature. I've been on my own and taking care of myself since I was 16. I love to take care of others, but don't like others having to "care" for me, or being under their will.

There isn't anything within walking distance, except highways and parking lots. I am miles from post. I am not very good at just "hanging out" at home all day. I like to be out and about, socializing, doing work, meeting people, etc. 

I did have my own vehicle before we were married, which I sold because it was older and I thought we could use a little extra cash to put into our "nest." I was also head over heels in love, and just wanted to be with James, it was easier to sell it and fly back to him (here in Texas), than worry about driving it halfway across the country by myself.

My old beasty, Bertha.

Looking at that picture makes me sniffle a little. She was such an ugly Jeep, but she was always there for me and I owned her outright. :)

In the meantime, I'm trying to not let it get me down! I may be a little more dependent on my husband these days, but perhaps it's a growing opportunity and a lesson in servility, if a low blow for the ego when I want to grab my keys and take off into the Texas sunset ....

I get out of the house by going to our apartment gym and getting outside to run on some of the back roads. There will be a time for a new vehicle in my future, I just need to exercise patience. Full-time school keeps my pockets empty and my brain too busy!

It's a sunny day, I've got my Mizuno's on, and I know the best way to beat these blues is to get the blood flowing. 

1 comment:

  1. Hey courts - I know our lives are very different but i connect to what you're saying about the change of schedule and the distance you feel from james with him gone and the loss of the routine you had together. With my hubby's schedule ever changing and the 24-48 hours he's gone at a time, its tough to get in the habit of making dinner by myself or going to sleep alone every third night. I don't know if it gets easier or if that just becomes part of your routine. Maybe after a while you're routine becomes something thats ever-changing. I am not working right now, trying to finish up my degree and its really tough to know that he's the one working and I'm not supporting myself on my own. I think its probably a good thing that we want to be independent and work together with our spouses. It's so tough to play the waiting game, but know that you'll be done soon with the degree you're working on and as long as you have each other, life will provide you happiness, even through the tough times. Thanks for this post, it really brightened my morning. :)